Creating Relationships

When someone hurts us or makes us feel threatened, we react by treating them in the same way we feel our parents treated us in childhood, at a key stage in development, which caused the core wound in the first place.

Read that again.

In romantic relationships (or other) this could be victim mentality, being manipulative and uncaring. Dismissive, distant or avoidant. Clingy or controlling, abusive or demeaning, overly emotionally expressive, or completely emotionally numb, or any number of the behaviors humans pick up. Either way it is self sabotaging. All of it is a form of controlling and manipulating love, which is quite clearly, already there. Otherwise neither of you would be acting this way because then it wouldn’t be this important and so this triggering for you.

Some people when triggered act as if they aren’t, because that is a part of their core wound. Acting as if you don’t care echos the non present parent. Doing everything you can and getting no-where echos the insecure parent.

Either way, reacting perpetuates the cycle of generational trauma.

The reason our partners trigger us so much is, we have the exact equal but opposite core wounds, so each triggers the other in a way no-one else could. It is because of the amount of love you feel for them, and so the amount of expectation – to fulfill needs, no-one can.

Pretty fucking depressing scenario no?

Don’t be.

This is why you attracted each other in the first place, because we attract all the best parts of our parents and all the worst, in one person. One to feel fulfilled and whole by all that familiar love, and one because we don’t know any better about all that familiar fear.

Depending on when the wound formed in the developmental stage of childhood will determine the severity of it.

When you have two people unaware of this, the relationship goes from the infatuation stage, to the ‘I can’t stand the sight of you ‘ stage and eventually explodes and the cycle repeats with the next partner until we each equally learn humility in what deeply scares us. We blame others for our own wounds. And we attract the exact same people, in different skin, sometimes better, sometimes worse, until we take responsibility for our repeated patterns of behavior.

You can keep on doing that. Or you can see that that is the exact environment, conducive and perfectly created in which to heal – each other, ironically by healing yourself and behaving differently. You choose yourself over your partner, in order to be there for your partner. In a relationship, both partners must be willing to do this for it to work or the core wounds will simply exacerbate.

How does one heal? By being mindful of the reactions they feel, knowing where they come from, realising it is not ‘you’, but if you choose it, then you become it.

You become, the exact thing you hate and wish were treated differently in childhood, instead of treating yourself how you wish to be treated in adulthood. No-one else is going to do it for you. They will just treat you how you feel you weren’t, in the exact, precise way. And you will treat them, how they wish they weren’t, in the exact, precise way.

You each have the power to love and heal, or destroy, but only by repeatedly destroying yourself, giving someone else the power to do that. Every single relationship is an opportunity to re-traumatise, yourself and each other or completely and monumentally, transform.

When I say ‘transform’ I do not mean change, you cannot change anything. You transcend. You heal not in spite of your wounds, but because of them.

When we behave in the way our parents treated us, towards someone else, it is entirely unconsciously done. However, we do have an absolute awareness of when we’re doing it, we just don’t understand why. We also see and know that it never gets us what we want. Ever. Yet we repeat it, with every single relationship and crucially, the relationship we have with ourselves.

Conflict = growth. It’s up to you to recognise that and choose to either perpetuate and be the creator of conflict, in which case it would be conflict with yourself, or to see it for exactly what it is — An opportunity , and grow from it.

When you see the wound in someone else and even more importantly, in yourself, rather than the blame of a person, choosing the opposite behavior – responding rather than reacting works the same way to change yourself and grow, because when you choose it, you become it.

You don’t have to go for 15 years of therapy to figure out what your child wounds are, you already know them. And if you don’t, your partner or ex partners will show them to you, by the things that trigger you.

However you feel about someone who you feel has hurt you, right now in the present, say it out loud: – ‘They do this, they never do this, I can’t stand it’. These are the child wounds because this is how you feel your parent/s behaved toward you.

It has nothing to do with your partner.

And it has everything to do with your partner, in relation to you.

But hear this; if your mind has just been blown wide open, let’s blow it up again… they are only behaving (and reacting) this way because you are treating them, how they feel they were treated by their parents in childhood at the time of their wounding.

And vice versa. You each have the exact equal (but opposite) wounds.

Once you see the exact way you felt, as a child, by your parent/s at the time of wounding, you’ll now see all the survival techniques you’ve adopted to not feel that pain, ironically, by treating others in the exact same way.

Here’s another mind blower; But you have perpetuated you parents child wounding, from the way they felt they were treated by their parents, and so on.

None of it is real. They are hand me downs to people who didn’t ask for it. Or didn’t we?

My belief is that we come here to this life to work on the things we want to work on, and couldn’t possibly do that without the infliction of others. Then and only then can you see what is yours by way of choice and what is separate.

Expressing those wounds and those feelings changes everything.

But the partner must also express theirs, otherwise the same dynamic exacerbates.

You can’t have one person working on themselves and your relationship, and the other not. Well you can but that will be an expression of one/or both of your parents relationship dynamic. It really is up to both of you to create something entirely different, entirely new and something entirely your own.

And if you’re not with anyone, same deal. Only when you see the wounds can you start taking responsibility for them. Time to start taking responsibility, for yourself and for those you will come into contact with.

We don’t attract what we want, we attract who we are. If you want something different, be different.

If you don’t know how to be different, take all the things you have just discovered about how you don’t want to be treated, and feel what it would be like to be treated in the exact opposite way.

When you know what you don’t want, you know what you do want. But it’s up to you to be that, not someone else.

When you align with what you do want, instead of what you don’t, you will receive it, by default. Because you’re no longer looking for it. It is the looking for it which prevents it from becoming.

And, once it comes the work is not over. It will fall away pretty quickly if you don’t maintain that, in yourself, in every new scenario it presents itself.

So relationships are not the signposts you manifest toward the path. They are the path itself.

The people we have relationships with are never to blame, they are only acting in the way they know how to, relevant to their self understanding, and how you brought them in.

Other people are not to blame. They are our mirrors, for our own self blame.

And our own self blame, isn’t even our own, it is our parents, and theirs isn’t even theirs, it was their parents. And so on.

Isn’t it about time you got to know who you are, without it? Without that blame, without the shame, guilt, self limiting beliefs? …that aren’t even real, unless you perpetuate them?

These were all things put on to you as a wounded child, by a wounded child.

So how does one change this? Wrong question, you don’t. How does one transcend this?

A question is a different vibration to an answer. The ‘problem’ is a different vibration to ‘the solution’. Constantly ask the question and you’ll never find the answer. Feel out the answer and it will come to you.

How does one do this for themselves?

By not perpetuating them.

You feel the solution and you become the answer.

What are the things that come up in your mind of how you would treat a child? Your child, perhaps you already have one, or many, or want them, or don’t, the question is the same. How would you treat that child differently to your own childhood?

If someone is not there to treat you how you wish, you do it yourself, you treat yourself this way by imagining, visualizing, caring. Even if it feels like lying or making it up. How do you learn anything? 2 ways: Practice and repetition, or emotional depth of an experience. This is what forms new beliefs. This is what formed the toxic, negative and illusionary beliefs in the first place. So it’s up to you to undo them, every single time they pop up. And not only when it’s easy to do so, but in the times where it’s hard, where you’re triggered to high heaven, because the release of all that triggering, is just on the other side of it. These are the times in which the most growth and transformation and healing appears.

The wall between that tipping point is either paper thin, or 6 foot of steel. But remember, these barriers are no-one else’s, they’re yours and you created them, in order to survive a situation you didn’t ask for. That’s ok and the first part of healing is not judging yourself and forgiveness. So do that. Now you can go places you have never been before.

Sooner or later you’ll have an awareness of the awareness of self, of awareness itself, and realise that you were the solution all along, and always are.

And then you’ll attract someone else, who is their own solution. And then, when all this shit pops up again, which it will, you’ll have the solution for yourselves, so you’ll have the solution for each other: Loving the parts of each other, which each other hates in themselves, by loving that part in yourself.

Hate is not the opposite of love. You cannot hate something without first having loved it. The opposite of love is fear, because fear is devoid of love. And so, it must go then, that love is devoid of all fear.

LOVE

That is the purpose of love, of a parent, of a partner, of ourselves. To reassure, to make safe, to smash illusions and love so diligently, by reinforcing boundaries of what we will and will not accept from others, and what we will and will not accept in ourselves, so that fear has no place to exist.

But it is the fear that does this. Without it, you wouldn’t know the place that exists where it doesn’t. So thank the fears for showing the opposite. For showing you love.

You’re walking down a path and you come to a split of two paths. One has a signpost saying love, the other has a signpost that says fear. Which one do you want to go down?

This is not a trick question. This is not to inspire you to go towards the fear in order to heal it. Or to go down the path of love to avoid the fear.

Note the fear exists first. Then choose love, every single time, and the fears will reveal themselves, in the only way you could ever see them objectively, non-judgmentally, and clearly without being crippled by them. Choose the fear, and you rob yourself from love, when you had the opportunity.

But that junction, that split of two paths wasn’t in your past and you missed it, and you don’t have to wait for it to come up in the future. It is now. It is within every single moment, with every thought you think. And it will present itself by way of your emotions.

You can tell which path you are on, about any given thought, by the way that you feel. And you can transform it.

Isn’t that the most liberating thing in the entire world? That your choice isn’t governed by anyone else but you?

Be your own parent, be your own mother, be your own father, be your own partner, be your own choice.

And if you’re looking for love or happiness in someone else, you’re looking for love in all the wrong places.

Relationships = consciousness, not love or happiness. Love and happiness comes from within.

The times where you have felt love and happiness with another person, was the both of you feeling love and happiness from within. Then it is shared and magnified in a way that it couldn’t possibly be without a relationship with someone.

And that is why relationships can heal. Because they show us what to heal. And when we take that step, we heal the relationship.

Loving yourself literally is loving someone else. And loving someone else literally is loving you.

We have it so fucking backwards it’s untrue. And that is why it is always painful. Because you are not doing what you want the other person to do. That is your mirror.

When you do, and maintain that, that relationship, that space in between you both, that thing that doesn’t exist without each of you, equally, can become something that has never before existed in the history of reality.

You are quite literally giving birth. In that, you are the parent, the child and God and humanity. You are the creator and the creation because of the creating.

So a question to ask yourself, on a daily basis is: ‘What am I creating today?’

And please don’t worry, I act as if I know what I’m talking about, but I suck at it as much as the next person… but perhaps that belief is part of my core wound?

(smile).

So were these wounds there to hurt us? Or for us to become something more than them, all along?