Empathy

Empathy is a skill which can be learnt.

Around 15–20% of the population are considered to be ‘highly sensetive’. Which means 80–85% of the population are not. Further still, some of us who fall in this category (around 4% of the population) are born ‘empathic.’ Which means, we’re not only highly sensitive, and we don’t just have the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and we don’t just conceptually understand empathy, we physically and emotionally feel other people’s emotions as well as our own. Where an un-sensetive person might walk into a room of people and notice maybe 5 things, or nothing at all, a HS person will walk in and notice 50 things. But an empath will walk in and notice 500 things. And this is everywhere we go.

Imagine what that is like; being human, figuring your way through life like everybody else, being highly sensitive and extremely emotional — And feeling everybody else’s extreme emotions as well as your own. Imagine basic relationships knowing completely, in no uncertain terms how someone feels about you. Hate, anger, love, need, regret, shame, guilt, denial, fear. When an empathic person has a connection with someone, they feel it all, especially if that emotion from the other person is about them. Now imagine what it’s like to know how someone else feels, but what comes out of their mouths is the exact opposite (of how you already know how they feel — because they send you these feelings energetically which is what emotion is, whether they are aware of it or not.) Kinda frustrating right? Kinda boring right? Kind of — a diligence to always be authentic with yourself being surrounded by in-authentic people.

Now imagine most, if not all of the 96% of the population who does not have this real life experience or understanding of being born empathic, not only doesn’t or can’t understand you, but goes on to call you a liar. That you’re making it up. That it’s all in your head and your feeling what you fantasixe about wanting to feel from them. Because yeh — I really enjoy being hated by someone who’s had a complete misunderstanding.
Even when you prove it to them time after time, but that only goes on to make them feel threatened or naked, or like you can read their thoughts, or vulnerable about things they haven’t yet reconciled with themselves, or may not even be conscious of, and they ignore the fact that if they’re triggered by something you’ve said, then that is a pretty real indication that it is probably true. You learn to keep your mouth shut pretty quickly in life. You also learn that having a pronounced sense of empathy, in a world where there is very little, that there are people out there who will take advantage of that and drain and manipulate and exhaust that empathy from you, over and over, repeatedly, until you learn to have empathy for yourself and develop firm boundaries.

I didn’t learn empathy. My ‘highly sensitive’ nature wasn’t born out of neglect or abuse which is a theory given for children who learn to ‘read’ abusive parents ‘energy’ for example, in the way of body language or voice tone, or micro muscle movement so that they can predict and therefore protect themselves from abuse. These children often develop a ‘mask’ self to counteract this treatment and prevent it from happening, which hugely effects their sense of self. But I didn’t have any of this. I was born this way. And I’ve had it as far back as my memory serves. I remember communicating (and being communicated to) purely through feelings alone. See I thought everyone had this, and was aware of it, and how we all communicate. Words were just ‘extra’. I continue to learn that not everyone does. And for a long time, I believed that everyone else was in denial, that all humans have this ability because it is normal, and that if they don’t then it is in fact they themselves who are suppressing it. And while that may be true, I have no way of ever proving or knowing that, because I am not you.

But although I’ve had to accept that not everyone may be born with this awareness, I do believe that anyone can learn empathy and be empathic.

So, can you imagine that? That childhood? That adulthood? That reality, for me? Yes? Then you have empathy. No? Then you do not have empathy. If you can sorta, conceptually understand what I’m talking about, and accept it as a possibility, then you can sorta conceptually be empathic and accept it as a possibility.

And while conceptually understanding something is not the same as living it experientially, it is the invitation to do and be so, if recognised, when the moment or opportunity arises in life.

Disclaimer here — If you are triggered at any point during reading this, do not judge yourself (judge me all you want), do not do anything about it. Simply try to be ‘mindful’ of it. It will make sense later. If you’re already feeling that this is some ‘whiney bullshit by a little girly man’ then just be aware of that. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe that’s how you were treated by someone in childhood and your response to that was to become the same thing — to manifest as someone else’s beliefs, not your own, because you weren’t allowed to have them. See? Don’t judge it. There is gold to be found beneath any and every strong emotion. And rather than psycho analyse you ‘reader who I do not know’, I’d rather expand by sharing my own experiences and understanding in case they have some value to you.

Forget the fact that empaths exist. Trust me, at some times in life we wish we didn’t, because it can feel like an actual curse. At other times, it can feel like an absolute blessing and you wish the whole world could feel to the heights and depths that you do, because of what they’re missing out on. But ingrained empathy also teaches that people and emotions are all relative. Even though a person can feel the emotions of another person, they only have their own emotional guidance system by which to gage them by. See how happy a three year old is when you give them pizza and compare it to someone who has just received a job promotion. You can’t. The depth of the feelings felt, will only ever be truly felt by the feeler. The vibrations of this energy can be transmitted, recieved and felt with the exact same, if not more intensity by an empath, but it is more of a communication than an emotion which is born within us. We can be disturbed or even traumatised by our own emotions, but we cannot be by others. Because although it can get pretty mixed up in there, we learn to, or have always had some instinctive sense when emotions are not our own. Therefore we have some level of detachment. Dont get me wrong, I can feel someone elses trauma with the eacvt same physcial body responses and emptional intensity and mental turmoil, bit it does not traumatise me, only my own emotions can do that.

Depending on where you stand with reincarnation I heard something which made me smile recently. “If you are an empath, it is because you earned it in a previous life. The people who are not, who do not have that ability and do not understand it, have not yet earned it, and they are learning the things they need to grow in this life.” And I’ll add myself here; ‘So be empathic towards them if only to show that it exists.’ Hearing that actually brought some solace in a vulnerable moment, and instead of feeling all high and mighty or special in some way, it felt more that I do have a purpose to be here, even if my pronounced empathy brings a lot of suffering at times if not managed properly myself with — haha, you guessed it; empathy.

And why? Why would I want to show empathy to people who may have none or show none to me? Why not? I would say because that is the very thing which separates themselves from themselves, and so everyone else. The very thing which creates true connections with people, is the very thing they are denying themselves to have, by not being it firstly for themselves. So the truth of empathy is, (I hope it’s not too early to say here but) — unconditional love.

I used to feel sad about people who seem to have or display no empathy. but as my co-dependant desperation to try and help (or is that change and be what I needed them to be?) over the years always resulted in a tremendous amount of pain, loss and suffering, I no longer feel sad for them. I guess that was quite demeaning anyway. there is a sadness there, for the world, and definitely a hope for empathy to be an everyday reality in everyones loves on planet earth. but you could say that there is a detachment now. I no longer ‘need’ this from or for people. but I suppose old habits die hard, and a joy for giving remains. I also no longer freely give information or advice to people who didn’t ask for it. This was another need I identified within myself. If you are reading this then i wil, take it that you were lookimg for the information, thervire an equal exchange is occurring. If you are a fellow empath I salute you. I see you. You are God on Earth in the mind and body of a human, and so is everyone else.

But, as statistically very few people who read this will understand this from an empaths point of view, let’s put the ‘empaths’ to one side, and concentrate on empathy as a skill.

Why? Well if you’re reading this then some part of you must be at least intrigued, or life has caused you to question this, whether or not you have empathy, or whether or not someone else does, what it is, why it exists, why it needs to exist, and in which case this will have popped up at the right moment.

Empathy is taught in childhood. If empathy was not shown in childhood, especially at crucial times of development, then any empathy that was there, will be damaged. If a potentially damaging experience is recognised and supported by the parent/caregiver at the time and handled with emothy then this child will go on to develop a cognitively healthy sense of self. If not, and the experience is extreme, which creates an emotional reaction of a lack of self worth — and remember we’re dealing with different levels of sensitivity in people here so what may not seem important to a parent may be extremely relevant to the child, this is when a child goes on to develop survival techniques, which in turn, choose one of two paths; co-dependency, a need of the love of others to feel like they matter, or narcissism, an exploitation and manipulation of love from others, to feel like they matter. Both are equally unhealthy.

I hate the word ‘narcissist’. I find labels are crucial for learning about something but I don’t believe labels should exist for anyone, even if someone does qualify as one through repeated patterns of behavior, and no sign of change or even wanting to change, and so could be classed as a personality disorder. I much prefer the term ‘narcissism’, which is a character trait any human can be guilty of, and is healthy in certain amounts or certain terms. But for the sake of this explanation, I’ll use the term narcissist, meaning the selfish, dickhead toxic kind who project their traumas out onto the world. but when i do use the word ‘narcissist’ my intention is for it to be understood as ‘narcissism’, as an energy. Equally, i feel the same about using the word ‘co-dependents’. what I am really reffering to is ‘co-dependency’. We are all human, and we all have a light side and we all have a shadow side. understanding both is key to empathy, both for ourselves and each other.

Co-dependents always have a pronounced sense of empathy for others, but very little for themselves. So their toxicity can be things like neediness, low self esteem, lack of self belief. Narcissistic characters have no empathy for others, and zero for themselves. They have a distorted sense of self empathy rooted in survival. The self serving kind. This is the exact opposite of what empathy is. They have no sense of true self empathy so they cannot see how their behavior effects others. They literally have no comprehension that they’ve even done anything wrong. And when confronted they will spin it around, blame you and make you feel guilty and shameful for daring to stand up to them or tell them how they’ve made you feel. So their toxicity is things like self grandiosity, believing the world owes them a favor, walking over anyone to get what they need, using, consuming and discarding people as objects (like they felt they were treated in childhood) without mercy or a second thought.

It’s an extreme example but take rape for instance. It is extremely common for someone who has been raped as a child, to grow up to be a rapist and child abuser. Someone who has had their innocence taken away, by force, will (in this example) — by force, take others away, in order to feel as powerful as the perpetrator felt to be to them. This is what I mean by narcisssim and going one way over the other. A co-dependant person who has had the exact same experience, could never treat another person like that, because of the very fact that they know exactly what it’s like to be treated like that. They just couldn’t. But their diminshing of self power manifests later in life as people pleasing which is an equally damaging survival tactic, only narcissists tend to damge other people (and so their connection to their true sense of self further) whereas co-dependents tend to just damage themselves further.

What decides the path, or ‘way of being’ a traumatised child will take I do not know. I think it relies on several different factors. We now know that not only is our environmental upbringing incredibly influential in the way our personalities form, but genetics plays a very large factor. Having a lack of fear can be isolated as a gene for example. So if you are born with this you’ll be a high risk taker and attracted to things like extreme sports. If you have this lack of any fear gene and are severely abused as a child, chances are you’ll grow up to be a serial killer hit man, and really good at it, like the iceman Richard Kuklinski.

Narcissists can fake empathy real good, but only to exploit it and get what they want and they never truly feel it or understand it, and they see no need to have it or develop it because they see what they can do by seemingly having power over the people they see as having it. It is a weakness to them, one they’re not ever going to lower themselves to and be a victim to someone else (because they know how they treat people right?) and aren’t ever going to actively try and possess. It cannot be done without going back to the point of divergence in childhood and bringing it into their conscious awareness. That usually will only ever come about by an extreme trauma in adulthood, enough to floor someone into wanting to find out about themselves.

Same with co-dependents. But it does not serve to stay there going through all the negative things in the past. It does serve to release that stored energy. I think it is incredibly important to understand oneself using the gift of hindsight and the experiences of the past, and I think it is crucial to bring those things into your conscious awareness, so to be released. But if you stay there, you pick up the exact same emotional vibration as then and continue to perpetuate it. It’s also easy to assign blame to others (from your childhood) when things go wrong. This victim mentality can be found with the people who prop up the bar, regaling anyone who will listen with their shitty childhood. This does not mean that I don’t have empathy for these people, but sooner or later, and I’m speaking from personal experience here, you have to say enough is enough. ‘Ok, I’ve had difficulty and challenges in my childhood, and I was innocent and didn’t deserve them, but — what am I going to do about it? I can continue telling anyone who’ll listen, or I can try and find my way through — and that is ‘through’ not around it and become someone better not in spite of it, but because of it. Because of it.’

All Narcissists are co-dependent by the way, they ‘need’ other people to exploit because they have no sense of their own identity. Co-dependents are not narcissistic, but they do ‘need’ other people to feel complete, which can result in narcissistic behavior or things like spiritual arrogance. When you find your sense of self worth for the first time in adulthood, it can be rather like stepping into a Porsche when you’ve been driving a moriss minor your whole life. It takes a bit of getting used to, and you might feel inclined to put your foot down.

Narcissistic behavior of any kind at its core is a lack of empathy for others, and for ones self. So any person can swing from side to side when triggered (by a similar feeling of the first instance in childhood) and feeling vulnerable. It is only through our repeated patterns of behavior — which our relationships with others show to us, that we discover our negatively impactful personality traits, and thus the spultion to them in order to grow.

So, if a child falls over to the narcissistic side, and grows up to not have empathy. Or at least not give it or show it for fear of it being taken as a weakness and being taken advantage of, then they can never have healthy, equal relationships. They think everyone is out to exploit them, cannot take responsibility for their actions, are usually in a permanent state of high functioning anxiety, and are life long victims whilst simultaniously being the exact perpetrators they fear and accuse of others of being. Before awareness of narcissism exists in someone on the receiving end of their charade, it is about the most confusing, desperate and painful experience one can go through. after it is discovered howveer, and healed, narcisssim is easier to spot. Their behavior is boring and predictable.

If a child falls over to co-dependency, and grows up with an overt amount of empathy for others (and none for themselves) and so put all their needs on others — by in fact, giving empathy, then they can never have healthy, equal relationships. They notice that the partners they attract do exploit them, are usually in a permanent state of high functioning anxiety, and are life long victims.

They attract each other. They are a perfect match for each other’s toxicity.

Narcissism and co-dependency are in such opposition to each other, yet are alike in almost every way.

Palpatine: The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way… including their quest for greater power.

Anakin Skywalker: The Sith rely on their passion for their strength. They think inwards — only about themselves.

Palpatine: And the Jedi don’t?

Anakin Skywalker: The Jedi are selfless. They only care about others.

The difference is empathy. The difference is self awareness.

Co-dependents have such an understanding of empathy because they’ve genuinely felt it their whole life, and at times they have felt like they can truly heal a narcissits of their pain, they see it all. but of coirse no-one can heal anyone else but ourselves. And co-dependants inevitably end up being abused for the very having of empathy because (unconsciously) narcissists do crave this one thing they seem to be without, they just have no healthh way of expressing that or going about it. but I digress (Or do I?) co-dependents are more inclined to be able to have that moment of clarity and turn it around on themselves. To start treating themselves compassionately, the way they treat others. They have more of a chance at self awareness, and so an awareness of others. it may start as blame of the narcissots but throigh healing what it becomes is just an awareness that thjngs feel very wrong and recognising someone elses influence over you. true healing comes from not juddging them for it snd forgiving them (for what theh do not know) and thus freeimg yourself of that pain. This is a reflection of the first instance in childhood.

Narcissists however, are so clouded by their distorted sense of self awareness and unconsciously motivated by their sense of emptiness, without ever experiencing empathy, that they have much less capability for self awareness. And it takes work. Why bother doing the work when you can easily get other people to do everything you need and answer your every whim?

I have met many co-dependents who have identified co-dependency in them and begun to heal.

I have never met a narcissist who has done the same. I’m not saying they don’t exist, I’ve just never personally seen it. I have met people who have admitted they have narcissistic personality traits, but they don’t do anything about them. Rather they think it’s funny. They have no need to change, or grow or evolve because they’re perfect the way they are right?

Yes — everyone is perfect the way they are, no man can judge another. But what it comes down to is your tolerance for personal suffering. Sooner or later, your blame of others for your feelings of unhappiness can only ever lead you back to yourself, and an unpicking of layers and layers of beliefs, most of which weren’t even your own. Questioning these starts to re-parent yourself, forgive others of wrong doing, forgive yourself and start to make new beliefs and essentially, a new identity, whilst being perfectly content with exactly who and where you are. This is self realisation.

As everything is on a spectrum some people might be mildly narcissistic or mildly co-dependent, or bits of both. Some people may have absolute zero empathy although I as an empath have never encountered this. I believe even people like psychopaths, contrary to popular belief completely possess empathy, which is why they know how to destroy it in others so acutely. They just never show it. And they will never show it or allow anyone to see it. It is the part of themselves they keep locked away, and that, as an empath, is what I see: the locking away. This in and of itself is a vibration. It takes effort to do that, even if it has become a second nature part of someone’s psyche. It still gives off an energetic smell. Peoples actions are always governed by the way that they feel about themselves inside.

Some people are not psychopaths or even utterly narcissistic, they have empathy, they just don’t show it. they have trouble expressing their emptions becaue they fekt they were never adressed or allowed to in childhood, at times that they really needed to be. I was with a girl once and some guy got hit by a car in the middle of a busy 2 way road. My instinctive reaction was to run over to halt all the cars and help him and talk to him while we called an ambulance. He couldn’t move and he had no idea where he was or what had happened. As I knelt down there holding this guy, I saw the look on the face of the girl who I was with. She said ‘Come on this isn’t our problem.’ Yet her wild eyes never left that guy. She was terrified. Scared to death to show care.

My response was ‘Well who’s problem is it then? His? What if this was you lying unconscious on the floor in the middle of the road with cars flying passed you? Who’s problem would it be? She dragged me away and it dramatically changed how I viewed her. Other people had started to come over at this point so I didn’t feel like I was abandoning him, but it did not feel ok. Were I on my own I would have stayed until the ambulance arrived.

I as an empath cannot physically understand how you can not help someone in that situation. Ironically, as an empath I can empathize as to how or why. people are scared to show their empathy or their amount of care because they do not know the limit of that themselves. they have no healthy boundaries for themselves. And these boundaries are only formed through failure, through making mistakes, through giving too much. So failure is never failure if you recognise what it is teaching you. At some point in this girls childhood her sense of giving, or even just her sense of self was felt to be not important. Her love was not recognised in a very traumatic situation for her at a very young age and so, that love was withdrawn all the way into the darkness of a safe cave, and that ‘boundary’ became 6 foot walls of steel — without ever even knowing why.

If you do not have empathy for others, this is a clear sign that you don’t have it for yourself. And if you never have it for yourself, you’ll never have it for others.

So you’ll never ever understand the gift of giving. It is not a burden to give. It is not a problem to give. It is not scary to give. The only thing that is scary about giving, is giving to someone who only takes, and does not give to themselves and therefore cannot give to others. So a recognition of this in someone, when observed to be a real trait of theirs, suddenly ceases to be about them at all. And a reminder, to give to yourself first. Then it ceases to be scary because you regenerate your own sense of true self power by the act of giving love to yourself throigh the gift of empathy.

Not, in the fucked up narcisstic sith way of power crazed desperation to control everything and everyone. But as a conscious awareness of an empty tank, and the choice to fill it back up. How is this done? With joy. Anything that brings you personal joy by doing it, recharges your energy. Nature does it whether you’re conscious of it or not.

A wise man in a pub once said: ‘Don’t hold the door open for someone expecting to be thanked. Hold it open because you choose to.’

If you get pissed off when you gold the door for someone and they just breeze kn throigh withoit saying a word of thanks, you’re empty, you need rechargjng. it is aboit you, not them. If you hold the door open without any expectation of anything to even do with that person, it is a simlle yet true act of love, then your tank is full. and do you know what? You’ll probably get a ‘Thank you’ — because you werent ‘needing’ it.

Does this mean a person with empathy can’t have a relationship of any form, with someone who doesn’t? No. It just means being mindful of how much you give. Keep it in the cupboard, like super glue. It’s there for when you need it, and if it’s used sparingly, it goes a long way. This is the most empathic thing you can do for yourself and the other person, if you have been shown, repeatedly, that that person has no limits of what they will energetically take from you, with zero evidence of ever giving you the same in kind then its time to withdraw that emoathy, as an act if emoathy, hoth to yourself and that other person (even if they do bitch and whine because they will feel it energetically). We do not give in order to receive remember, but an equal give and take relationship requires consciousness in both people and a willingness to change, compromise, grow, support and heal yourselves and each other. And abuse, even and especially emotional abuse, should not ever be tolerated. Do not make big decisions when you are empty. Recognise it, fill yourself back up and then do what you need to do, particularly if that is to communicate your boundaries with someone who seems to be a bit of an energetic vampire.

Having empathy in your tool shed is different from believing others are out to get you and keeping all your empathy locked up, never to see the light of day. It is mindful empathy. Giving really is receiving. But would you continue to give a homeless person your money, until you have none and they show no sign of wanting to help themselves? Giving is love, it requires nothing from the other person. But as soon as that love feels uncomfortable for you, this is a sign of you not respecting you. And as soon as you stop respecting you, you will start to attract people who will do it for you. we attract disrespect by disrespecting ourselves. We attract love and kindness, by being loving and kind to ourselves.

And remember — co-dependents will have a vastly different measure of the size of that tank compared to a narcissist or someone with very little self awareness — of empathy, or of childhood survival techniques which have become solid character traits in adulthood. Narcissist take no shit from anyone — because they’ve already deemed you a shit before you’ve even done anything. They dont even have a tank. They have a very faulty radar system, which they belive is pointing outwards, but is really pointing at themselves, destroyed by someone else, perpetuated by themselves, and allowed and encouraged by co-dependant relationships.

You can only communicate things of this nature to them, with empathy. And you can only do that if you communicate with yourself with the same empathy first.

Empathy is not giving and having the expectation of receiving, it is giving when you have more than enough — to give.

Narcissist don’t understand that, they will only ever give something if they want something in return. It might not be straight away, they might store it for a rainy day but you can bet your bottom dollar that they have filed it away in the ‘you owe me’ cabinet of their distorted psyche. Distortian can be retuned, with lots of love and support and guidance, but it must come from the sole decision and willingness of the person themselves, and must be heavily reinforced with lovingly firm boundaries of those around them.

To those that do not understand what empathy is, can you be taught it or train yourself to feel it? Yes.

How? That’s up to you.

For me to do it for you or give you all the answers would be an over extension of my empathy. I couldn’t even do it for my answers will be different to your answers, and it would not only drain me to do so, if you are not committed to the process yourself first, but it would deprive you of the value of such lessons. Words don’t teach, experience does. And we can only ever experience the experience of life ourselves.

So out of empathy for you, that is something I will not do. Empathy, not sympathy, not feeling sorry for, not uncaring, but actual love. Love with the mindfulness and empathy to myself and to you. Love has boundaries. Love gives freedom.

But as advice, instead of going out and giving it to others to try it on for size, which may bring you some joy, but it wouldn’t be very real, I would give it to yourself first, by perhaps finding out how you can do things to understand empathy. That is an empathic and self loving thing to do.

You cannot give from an empty cup. And if you’ve established that you don’t have empathy, or that you have trouble expressing it, then any you give will only breed expectation in others, which will ultimately damage your already damaged empathy further, because that isn’t empathy.

Damaged does not mean broken, or less than. There is no guilt or shame to feel at all if you feel you don’t have empathy in the way I’ve talked about. What there should be, is empathy — for yourself. Forgiveness. That would be my advice on where to start.

Then — research, read, watch videos, chat to empathic friends, be mindful of it when you speak to someone, especially if they’re suffering in some way, try to picture what life would feel like if you were them in their situation, you will be presented with these things by metely giving it thoight, find some therapy, find some training. Be mindful of your own emotions and what your inner being is trying to communicate to you whenever you can.

Do not judge others, do not blame others. Try to understand how others feel and what governs their behavior. This will always help you understand (and empathize) with yourself. And empathizing with yourself, will always help you empathize with others.

Empathy is a skill which can be learnt.